spring

this afternoon i told my "you have to work, even if you don´t know what"voice to shut up for a moment .... and I went for a walk.
It was a balmy spring day, everything smells different already and there were flowers blossoming ...
Everytime I take the time to go out and walk for a while I promise myself to do this more often, but then I forget ... and only when I realize that I have lost all connection with my creative self and that my motivation hits rock bottem, only then I grab my camera and go out .... it takes quite some time to get into that flow again and feel happy and free and as if everything is possible ....
Then the city becomes my friend again. 

from the archives

some pictures hide on my hard discs and never seem to make it to my portfolio … even though I like them very much ….
I decided to show a couple of them every month, complete with title, year of making, size and technique.

Enjoy.

 encounter, 2006, 100 x 62 cm, ed. 3, glossy photo paper on alu-dibond backing

 

zone 13, 100 x 75 cm, ed.3, matte photo paper on alu-dibond backing





both pictures are shot on film.

later.

how come that it is often only in retrospect that we realize that a period of our life was actually rather good? or are we simply erasing from our memory the unpleasant parts and are embellishing that which was?
on the other hand some periods of my life have been so painful that i see only now how much of my feelings i had to repress in order to remain at least half functioning. funny how one can sometimes feel the real pain and despair only decades later. when my mother died i didn´t feel anything. well, yes, go course i must have felt something, but i completely totally repressed all feelings immediately. it did help me cope and survive the immediate aftermath of this event. but then gradually my inability to feel what had happened and this half-grief started poisoning my life. every relationship i had was ruled by fear of loss and a huge gaping sadness. and every parting of a partner, even for a couple of hours, gave me panic attacks. even though i was rationally aware that my feelings were hugely exagerated and totally misplaced, i couldn`t help having them.
It is only now, 23 years later (!) that i am beginning to couple the right feelings with the right events and persons …. and that i realize what a terrible sadness i must have had inside of me that i just could´t allow to let out, or it would have killed me.

for the first time in weeks I spent some time sewing today, the paper had already become dusty from lying on the floor for too long ....
Writing applications is not a terribly fun thing to do ... and I have been rather depressed since yesterday ... wondering whether it is worth all the work ....
Maybe it´s simply a bit of a down due to the fact that I have decided that application number one is good enough the way it is ... and that I will send it off tomorrow ... even if it´s not perfect .... but the energy is all used up now ...time to let go.